Forget leapin' lords and turtle doves... this holiday season is all about crucified Santas and hanging chads! That's right. We've scoured the headlines to bring you the wackiest winter wonderland ever...
In the past, it seems that Santa's flying experience has been limited to the front seat of a sleigh behind nine reindeer (or eight, depending upon whom you ask). But what would happen if St. Nick chose another form of transportation - like, say, a helicopter?...
Last weekend, in the Brazilian city of Rio de Janeiro, drug traffickers took aim at a helicopter carrying Santa to a children's party. The shooters mistook the plane for a police chopper and opened fire, leaving two bullet holes in the helicopter's fuselage. The helicopter - which was transporting an actor playing Santa Claus - had to be flown back to base. Santa later made his way to the children via car -- and you could hear him exclaim as he drove out of sight, "Just say 'HO' to drugs!"
Talk about the Grinch who stole Christmas -- Chen Ying, the deputy mayor of the southern Chinese city, Zhuhai, recently made it illegal for restaurants, malls, grocery stores and other entertainment venues to display Christmas trees and other "flammable decorations." The crackdown is part of a 3-month campaign to boost fire-prevention standards that started last week. Ying now has his sights on banning the Tooth Fairy from people's homes as a precaution against molar fraud.
If Santa hasn't responded to your kids' letters, it might be because he's busy hanging out - or, rather, 'hanging up' - in Washington state. Art Conrad, a resident of Bremerton, Washington, nailed Santa Claus to a 15 foot crucifix in front of his home in protest of the commercialization of Christmas. A photo of the crucified Claus also decorates Conrad's Christmas cards with the message, "Santa died for your Mastercard." We just hope he doesn't find out about our American Express bills... otherwise, it's bye-bye Rudolph!
Good Cop, Holiday Cop... If you live in the Sacramento, California suburb of Rancho Cordova, you can relax if you hear police sirens behind you. The cops there are stopping law-abiding motorists and rewarding them with five-dollar Starbucks gift cards. According to police sargeant, Tim Curran, a local traffic officer came up with the idea to "promote the holiday spirit and enhance goodwill between the traffic unit and the motoring public."
Local businesses donated money to buy the gift cards. "They raised a substantial amount of money," Curran said. "They'll be pulling over a lot of people." We'd like to tip our cappuccinos to those cops. A latte of love beats a frappe of fines any day!
A postcard featuring a color drawing of Santa Claus and a young girl mailed in 1914 just arrived at its destination last week in northwest Kansas. The card was dated December 23, 1914 and had been mailed to Ethel Martin of Oberlin, Kansas from cousins in Alma, Nebraska.
Ethel Martin is now deceased but the Post Office wanted to get the card to a living relative so they sent it to Ethel's sister-in-law, Bernice Martin. According to Bernice, the card was found somewhere in Illinois and the Post Office mailed it to her in a new envelope with the current postage since the one-cent stamp of the early twentieth-century wouldn't cover the cost. We've heard of Christmas coming early but never, ever 93-years late...
Democratic presidential hopeful, Dennis Kucinich, has an answer for your holiday gift-giving: a Palm Beach County voting machine from the 2000 election "containing actual chads" with a "replica butterfly ballot" and a letter signed by Kucinich proclaiming "the stolen presidential election of 2000."
Kucinich along with Jim Dotyns - a supporter of Kucinich's and a collector - hope to sell 1,200 of the machines. Kucinich's campaign website is currently offering the merchandise at $219.95 a pop (which includes shipping). Well, as they say, every voting machine counts...
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM VICEPRESIDENTS.COM!
