WASHINGTON, DC—The Mysterious Congressman, whose presidential campaign
continues to be propelled by the dashing, effortless flair with which
he exposes the cowardice and duplicity of lesser legislators,
challenged presidential candidates of both major political parties
Monday to a great public debate.
"Gentlemen and lady who vie with me for our nation's most exalted
office: Hear me now!" said the caped and gloved lawmaker from the dome
of the Capitol building, the last rays of the setting sun captured in
his upthrust rapier and in his equally keen and steely eyes. "It is my
most earnest intention to confront you all, not with the clash of
steel, but with the far more noble edge of a more deadly weapon:
namely, my wit."
Following his announcement, the Mysterious Congressman (D-WI) sprang
from the dome amid thrilled shrieks from the oppressed D.C. citizenry,
alighted gracefully on the strong, broad back of his steed, LaFollette,
and galloped down the National Mall, borne away on the cheers of the
throng as a ship on the waves.
Capitol police called to the scene once again found only a single
red-white-and-blue rose, accompanied by a stack of talking-point
memoranda written in the form of tastefully understated rhyming
quatrains. Penned in his trademark droll yet frank style, the memoranda
laid out a demanding but elegantly simple debate format, in which "no
fools shall be suffered and no question begged."
"His appeal for a debate unconstrained by time or subject is exactly
what I have yearned for, lo these many years," said Alexandria, VA
carpet salesman Craig Hendershott. "Did you hear how he laughed off the
moderating services of [CNN anchor] Wolf Blitzer when he was so
arrogantly offered them? That we finally have a candidate who stands
for the gloriously free and open exchange of ideas is as a great bell
pealing in our hearts."
"Long have I dared hope of a wonderful man who would speak plainly
yet truly of the national matters that darken our days, especially
health care, education, and our tragic entanglement in a war amongst
the Muhammadans," said Maribel Suarez, a Walgreens cashier and mother
of three. "Now, hope, once near-extinguished, flames brightly within my
breast once more."
Many candidates expressed reactions ranging from puzzlement to
contempt, saying that the Mysterious Congressman's call to debate,
while brazen, lacked clear details, as it offered no precise venue and
suggested no issues.
However, as the day drew on, these same candidates found themselves
receiving personal invitations in a fashion characteristic of the
challenger.
"I returned to my private quarters at midday to find the door ajar
and the lights extinguished," said Mitt Romney, a former governor of
the Massachusetts Commonwealth and a leading aspirant to the
presidency. "Nonetheless, I entered, assuming laziness on the part of
my servants and womenfolk. The next thing I recall, the captain of my
personal guard was shaking me to consciousness, one of those damned
spangled roses was thrust in my lapel, and stuffed in my mouth was a
gilt-edged rolled parchment instructing me to appear at the portico of
the Jefferson Memorial at sunrise on the fifteenth of August prepared
to argue 'for my miserable soul' my stance on age-appropriate sex
education."
"Curse his infernal cheek!" Romney said, tearing the tricolored rose
from his suit jacket and dashing it to the floor. "He'll have his
damnable debate—and may he choke upon it!"
While being bussed to a campaign stop in New Hampshire, Sen. Barack
Obama (D-IL) reportedly discovered that his driver had been supplanted
by a familiar caped figure, who handed him a parchment and warned him,
playfully yet firmly, that "where foreign policy and diplomatic matters
are concerned, the safest path was no direction in which a truly
honorable man would flee."
Former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson found his invitation and
several saucily phrased notes printed neatly on a vellum scroll, which
was tucked into the perfumed bosom of his coquettish trophy wife, Jeri,
although she either could not or would not explain how it came to
reside there.
Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) arrived at the Congressional infirmary
with his invitation to defend his proposed budget cuts carved neatly
into the slack flesh of his backside.
And a flushed, disheveled, and distracted Sen. Hillary Clinton
(D-NY) announced at a press conference early Tuesday that the
Mysterious Congressman had swung in through her apartment window during
the night and delivered his invitation in person.
"I wish to reassure the public that the Mysterious Congressman was,
in fact, a perfect gentleman," said Clinton, her posture and tone
failing to conceal an air of disappointment. "A perfect gentleman.
