[Satire] As each day passes, McCain’s campaign looks more and more like a locomotive running out of steam on rickety tracks, ready to plummet from crumbling, neglected infrastructure into the sea of public memory. Virtually ignored by the mainstream media, McCain needs a VEEP with offbeat celebrity status and political know-how. He needs… Napoleon Dynamite.
Not only would he bring balance to the ticket with his youth and his Mid-Western Idaho location, but he'd also amplify McCain's spirit of independence -- his "Maverick-ness" if you will. Moreover, can you think of a better-sounding ticket than “McCain-Dynamite 08?” Sure, the Democrats will cry out “Dynamite… that just reinforces his war-mongering plans to stay in Iraq another 100 years. Good going!” Yet the Liberal media won’t be able to contain themselves from blurting out the slogan all the time. They’ll be disappointed they didn’t think of it themselves, as they come up with little puns of their own, like “This explosive Mc-Dynamite ticket…!”
When we first approached Napoleon Dynamite, asking him if he was being vetted for the vice presidency, he replied, “What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot?” – and stormed away.
After a few days of milking llamas and drawing pictures of ligers, he had calmed down and agreed to speak with us. He said he had a lot of advice to give the McCain campaign, and that winning could be as easy for him as it was easy for Pedro. “He should just tell them to vote for him and their wildest dreams will come true,” Napoleon said casually, munching on a tater tot. He told McCain, “Just follow your heart… that’s what I do.”
He added that getting the female demographic isn’t as hard as it looks for an old guy like McCain. “Girls only like guys who have great skills,” he told VicePresidents.com. “You know, like nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills.”
He said to get the African American vote, he could get Lafawnda to do some Internet marketing – and that Pedro, though busy with his own reign, could do a few political fundraisers to drum up support in the Latino community. Napoleon also mentioned that Uncle Rico could help secure the man-with-moustaches demographic, a largely ignored group of potential voters – when he was done ruining everyone’s life and eating all the steak.
As vice president, Napoleon’s top priority would be to ensure that “all Americans are having a killer time,” and that all oil drillers in Alaska would be protected from wolverines. He regaled us of a story about hunting wolverines in Alaska with his uncle, adding that he killed “like 50 of em.”
“They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?” he asked us. I said I didn’t know.
Napoleon would expand the role of the vice presidency even further, he said, to include roles -- not only as head of the Senate – but also as “bodyguard” and “Secret Service Captain,” too. Since he knows illegal ninja moves from the government and he’s pretty good with a bow staff, it only makes sense.
Once Napoleon joins the ticket, he’s going to first work on a new campaign ad. When asked what he thought of the Obama-Britney Spears attack ad, he replied, “This is pretty much the worst video ever made.” After that, he said he’ll “do whatever he feels like doing (gosh).” He began to get quickly agitated by our questions, so we thought we’d make a quick exit. “Get off my property or I’ll call the cops on you,” he said, ushering us off the farm. We decided… he’d make a great vice president one day. Papa Cheney would be proud.
