Dear Diary,
Gas at four dollars a gallon!! Whoopeeee!!!! My bonus kicks in and I get one hundred million samolians from ExxonMobile, ConocoPhillips, BP, Amerada Hess, Shell, Sunoco, Marathon Oil, Vaalco Energy and the republican national committee. Each! That’s close to a billion dollars.
I’m swimming in it! Plus, the income counts for my last year in office. That means when the W2 forms for these babies come next spring, I’ll be long gone to my new home in sunny Dubai and I’m not planning on leaving a forwarding address. Paying taxes are for suckers and working people. I think I’ll go out and by some expensive art like a Van Gogh, Monet or a Red Skelton and burn it in my backyard just because I can.
Still can’t get Scooter’s brother Stinky Libby out of the house. He sits around all day watching QVC and ordering my pastry chef Mr. Bacciagalupe to bake him another banana cream pie. He ate five yesterday (I counted). The kid is really getting on my nerves, but at least the Ol’ Ball and Chain finally has a drinking buddy.
Haven’t really been following the election ever since my pally Freddie Thompson pulled out. But to be honest, since I’ll be leaving the country right after the inauguration swearing in ceremonies, I just don’t give a damn.
Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings gave me a copy of talk show host Larry King’s latest book. Just a lot of one-line thoughts about life, family, sports or anything. Kind of a stream of consciousness thing. I find it relaxes me when I read it in bed. It takes my mind off the groans, moans and general racket Stinky and the Ol’ Ball and Chain make every night from the guest bedroom. King’s book has inspired me to try some writing on my own:
It’s just my two cents but I believe Roger Clemens is clean and Barry Bonds should be thrown in prison for the rest of his pathetic life… I haven’t had a roasted marshmallow in years… You don’t see many people filling their Hummers with premium nowadays… Some people just can’t get over the stolen election of 2000… and 2004…Have you ever seen someone order a pizza with ham and pineapple? Why do all pizzerias have it on their menu?... The Oscars was about an hour too long… I’d rather get paid in Eurodollars… Glad to see sexy Brooke Shields is back on TV where she belongs… Hangings are okay, but I miss the excitement of the electric chair… I can’t get that song “Who Let The Dogs Out? Woof Woof Woof” out of my head… Watching Phyllis Diller on Hi-Def TV is very scary… Is there anything better than sunrise on a spring day in the United Arab Emirates?
Nobody collects stamps anymore… Why is it all the young teams win on the “Amazing Race”?... Watch out for the Texas Rangers in the AL West this year… If more Americans saw how much fun spying on fellow citizens was, more would do it… I thought “No Country For Old Men” was the feel-good movie of the year… If you can’t spell a word, how are you supposed to look it up in the dictionary?... Amy Winehouse is a walking train wreck but boy, can that gal belt out a tune… If you’re going to spend the weekend water boarding someone, count me in… Sly Stallone is a very underrated actor… Eighty is the new seventy… The only thing I miss about New Orleans is the gumbo… I don’t get soccer or its fans or the countries that play it… Pet peeve: When my pacemaker goes on the fritz.
Is there anything more perfect in this world than a Hostess Twinkie?... That Manning family has some great genes. A swab of their DNA should be kept in my underground vault just in case… Whatever happened to Stephanie Powers? Now that was one hot babe… There’s nothing like the feeling of having your manservant dress you with a brand new pair of socks… I always thought Howie Mandel was a better comedian than quiz show host…I miss the attendants who clean the windows and check the oil when I pull into a gas station. They just disappeared overnight… “There Will Be Blood”: overrated. “Rush Hour 3”: underrated… If you look up “Class” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of Denny Hastert.
Is Lindsay Lohan the Marilyn Monroe of our times? I think not… I secretly wish I didn’t make so many children cry… The Mallomar. Now that was a cookie… I love the feel of those thick pens with the rubber grips… Those yentas on The View give me a headache… The new 2008 Federal Budget is a real page-turner (If you can get your hands on a copy)… When Bert Parks died, he took the Miss America pageant with him… It was easier to dispose of a file when it was in a cabinet than on a computer… You can have Leno and Letterman. I’ll take Jimmy Kimmel any day… I miss 9-11.
Face it, I’m another Hemmingway.
Dick
