[Satire] WASHINGTON—Vicepresidents.com readers who follow my columns may recall that Dick Cheney interviewed for the presidency of the late Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, partly on the basis that university officials believed the Vice President was sympathetic to the university’s natural science museum fossil exhibit that labeled dinosaur bones as 5,000 years old. Cheney, however, voiced some slight skepticism despite his unabashed support of evangelical nut jobs.
This all came about because a teacher at a public high school in New Jersey told his students that only Christians go to heaven, that the Big Bang and evolution theories are Satan’s fabrication to distract us from spirituality, and that dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark.
The schoolteacher does make sense. Genesis states that the Ark contained “every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth,” both “clean” and “beasts that are unclean.” No doubt, cool and scary dinosaurs not only thundered and thumped, but also creepethed, and thus would qualify.
It’s not well known, but there were also evangelical pre-Christians and Republican neocons on Noah's Ark. The reason it’s not well known is because the T-Rex ate them all. That razor-toothed Jurassic predator was probably hungry, but he also became cranky whenever fundamentalist ministers started yammering about creationism and family values. He was, moreover, confused and upset by the constant thumping of the Bible (“which was admittedly a work in progress but already had a satisfyingly solid cover”) which he mistook for the footsteps of a dilophosaurus. The noise was all the more misleading because every time the Bible got thumped, Noah's water glass shook like the one in Jurassic Park.
Enough already, so T-Rex simply chomped down on the preacher in mid-sentence: "We are all sinners in the eyes of Gawd! Ah have sin … arrghhghglugg!"
I suspect T-Rex was smarter than we think, besides having big sharp teeth. He knew full well that when choosing a tasty appetizer, one should always eat the most annoying one – thus securing not only a half-day’s worth of protein but also some blessed silence.
Mrs. T, on the other hand, found herself enraged by one particular creeping thing that creepethed upon the earth -- an overweight bald human given to incessant happy talk divorced of all reality. And so it came to pass that his happy talk was interrupted in mid-stream with a big gulp: “We have in fact made great progress, Noah. Now, I know some polls show that 78% of the creepy things that creepeth upon this Ark believe there’s a catastrophic flood in progress. But I believe most creepy things also want us to overcome this flood. We don’t need this Ark at all, Noah. Not only can we win the war, are win … aarrrgghghglug!”
And God spake unto Noah, behold, this is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you, that all living things have a Purpose, and that the most fearsome and cool dino of all existeth to rid the earth of creationists and happy talkers and all wicked beings that creepeth upon the earth.
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