Dick Cheney Secret Boot Camp, Volume 4

Edwards’ face turned pale. “That man frightens me immensely. We beat him in Iowa and smashed his career, but I haven’t seen him since. Who knows what sort of pent up rage afflicts him. Don’t get me wrong, I will not back down in the face of corporate interests… but I can’t say what I would or would not do in the face of Howard Dean.’

Giuliani shook his head. “I shook hands with Hulk Hogan and John Gotti before. It’s really not that scary. I can’t believe you people think you can run this country on that kind of cowardice!”

A loud voice pierced the silence, sounding much like nails on a chalkboard playing through a loudspeaker system, punctuated by animalistic growls. “You know something? We're not just gonna go to to New Hampshire, maggots! We're gonna go to New York! We're gonna to Vermont! We're gonna go to Oregon! We're gonna go to Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania! We're going to Cancun for spring break! We're gonna go to Montreal! We're going to Vancouver! I'm going all over the world and then I'm coming all the way to Washington D.C. to take back the White House!”

“Ok, I’m horrified,” Giuliani confessed with a grimace.

“Where’s Dick Cheney to put this man out of his misery, when you need him?” Obama wondered.

“Look, I’d just like to remind everybody here…” Dean started out, shifting his weight around anxiously, “that I AM the reason the Democratic Party became a serious contender for national power. And it was I who framed your anti-terrorism campaign angle. Today I’d like to talk to you all about media bias and how it can SUCK THE WILL TO LIVE RIGHT OUT OF A MAN!”

“When do we get to shoot our guns?” McCain wondered, fiddling around with his rifle.  

Howard Dean continued, “I’m also here to teach you all how to get those Confederate-flag-waving pick up truck gang types aligned with your administration… this is crucial to holding onto the south. For the Republicans, I’ll teach you how to entice the Black Americans in this country – without saying the words ‘Martin Luther King’ or offering a fried chicken banquet to the NAACP.”

Obama held his hand up, “You know, Dean, I find that very offensive. I am by no means a sensitive man, but I think I speak for many Americans when I say that your stereotypical view of Blacks, the Gay and Lesbian community, the South, Republicans, Democrats and pretty much every other group I can think of – is just uncalled for.”

“Like you really care,” Romney scoffed. “I read that you’re not even really Black.”

“Well… yes, my father is from Kenya and my mother is from Kansas. But you know, I still have a hard time catching a cab in Manhattan -- in the past, I think I've given my credentials… and I think race permeates our society, Mitt, whether you want to recognize it as that or not.”     

Giuliani shook his head and high-fived Romney. “Imagining a Black president is as weird as imagining a woman president… or a Mormon president,” he added.

“ALRIGHT GANG!” Howard Dean shouted in his signature WWF-Smackdown-style. "Let’s proceed to the classroom where we’ll learn about scheduling as a vice president. You think people can work 20 hours a day and then pick up their kids at child care or wherever and get home and still manage to sandwich in an eight-hour vote? Well Republicans, I guess can do that. A lot of you have never made an honest living in your lives."

Cheney sat in his office eating a salami sandwich on the phone. “I understand, Dubya. I didn’t want that creepy liberal to infiltrate the training center, but he said he was personally invited by YOU!” Cheney chewed voraciously, crumbs falling out of every crevice of his mouth. “… No, I would never authorize such a thing… I’ll try to get rid of him right away. Have you spoken to Donald lately? I might need his expertise at dealing with terrorists. … A replacement? Well, I was thinking more along the lines of Rush Limbaugh… he’s always been a valuable asset to our administration.”