Dick Cheney Secret Boot Camp, Volume 3

Hillary knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but she didn’t anticipate scrubbing the Number One Observatory Circle floors… with a toothbrush, choking on the smell of lemon. Bill said it would be a good idea. He said in his sickeningly jovial manner, “Think of it as a crash course in bridging the partisan gap, Hill!” He said that obtaining Cheney VP Boot Camp certification would only help her as president in 2008, instantly entitling her to much-needed Republican respect. What he didn’t say is that Cheney’s certification included house cleaning.

“ATTENNNNN-SHHHHUN!” A sonorous voice made the hairs on the back of Hillary’s neck stand on end. The menacing order coupled with the looming shadow told her it was none other than Sergeant Cheney himself. Slipping on a glistening puddle, Hillary sprung to her feet with her right hand poised in a salute.

Cheney hunched forward in his monstrous way, a snivel stretching across his pale face, with jutted tombstone teeth protruding from his bottom lip. “HOW DARE YOU! YOU THINK YOU CAN UNDERMINE MY AUTHORITY? YOU THINK YOU’RE SOMETHING SPECIAL BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND LEFT OFFICE WITH A 65% APPROVAL RATING? YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE A COLOMBIAN DRUG LORD, A TALIBAN FOOT SOLDIER, A PIECE OF SOGGY EXCREMENT-SMEARED, STORE BRAND TOILET PAPER. HERE YOU WILL OBEY ME AND YOU WILL NOT MOUTH OFF OR I WILL PHYSICALLY RIP THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE. IS THAT CLEAR?”

Once Hillary scurried out, Cheney looked around his office at all the cleaning she had done. “W” said it was one of his most ingenious plans yet – to tell the trainees that an important part of any Vice Presidency is knowing how to properly clean the office and living quarters. He had chuckled in his Southern gentlemanly way and said, “Dick, that’s almost as doggone smart as the time you said we should invade Iran… or the time you told me to hold my golf club with two hands instead of one.” Now the arriving trainees would be in for a real surprise. Cheney had planned for a special guest to deliver today’s belittling smack-down.

“Well now this is just so stupid,” John Edwards remarked in his Virginian accent to Barack Obama, while combing his hair and looking down the line of trainees anxiously. “Why does he have us come out here, on a daily basis, just to belittle us? That’s not what the Vice Presidency is about.”

“I have so!” Edwards protested. “In 1993 I started the Kirby & Holt law firm in Raleigh where we fought against unsafe anal-tract-eating swimming pool drains that target little girls and negligent, big business trucking companies that prey upon motorists. My friend and I were awarded the ATLA’s national public service award! Who are you to make those kind of accusations about me?”

“Easy, John,” Obama said, putting his hand up. “Let’s not get riled up over this. Remember, we’re Democrats. We’re better than that.”

Giuliani smiled knowingly. Exacerbating the Democrats had always been a life-long passion of his. It was easier than spreading jam on toast. This VP camp was a joke. While people like McCain and Obama might take it seriously and try to learn from it, Giuliani knew his post-9/11 valor would win him the ticket. They appreciated him for his sense of humor, but also for his shrewdness and experience.

“Hey, do you guys have any idea who the special guest is going to be?” Mitt asked. “I heard it’s going to be Saddam Hussein.”

TO BE CONTINUED....