WASHINGTON—February 14, 2009. Since Dick Cheney’s Halliburton job-interview debacle in which he took a Viagra instead of a Valium by mistake (and had an orgasm when the woman HR officer shook his hand), the former Vice President continues to languish between jobs and has reportedly been surfing job sites on the Internet.
He appears to favor Monster.com, as it’s both rich in listings and apropos in name. Friends of Cheney, who spoke on condition of anonymity, identified a shortlist of job openings on the web site for which he expects to apply:
· FINANCIAL EXPEDITOR.
U.S. arms manufacturer operating in Burma, the Congo, Zimbabwe, the Middle East and East Los Angeles seeks disreputable mediator and agent provocateur with extensive expertise in how to lie, cheat, grease palms, blackmail, waterboard, terminate with extreme prejudice and otherwise coerce friendly despots into lucrative weapons and construction contracts. Ideal position for cons, ex-cons, neocons, Def-Con 3 personalities, action-hero icons and Connie Francis. Drop résumé behind loose brick at Soldier of Fortune office building and chalk-mark with an X.
· FOREST FIRE LOOKOUT.
Private Security Company seeks Senior Forest Ranger with the kind of high-level clout that can marshal the massive resources required to divert forest fires and wildfires from expensive homes to middle and lower-income neighborhoods. Minimal weapons skills required include the ability to shoot potential trespassers in the face with a shotgun. Experience in culling wildlife a definite plus. Shoot your CV to our Monster.com inbox.
· FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITY FOR EX-VEEPS!
What kind of watch did Mickey Mouse wear? A Spiro Agnew watch! Are you a self-starter and a sleazy, lying former Number Two? Do you hate nattering nabobs of negativism as much as we do? Despise pusillanimous pussyfoots? If so, you’ve got what it takes! The sky’s the limit in this North American sales management position in charge of revitalizing the Dirty Time Company, former manufacturer of Spiro Agnew watches. We have now reinvented ourselves, and it goes without saying that we have outsourced our wristwatch factory to China—where virtual slave labor combined with cheap lead-based coating guarantee LIMITLESS $$$$ COMMISSIONS for our chief sales executive. If you are executive sales material, soon even Batman will be wearing a Spiro Agnew watch. Next…all of America…then France…who knows? IT’S UP TO YOU!! If you’ve got the time, we’ve got the watch.
· THE SULTAN OF BRUNEI requires a Court Buffoon for His amusement.
White House experience preferred. Free housing and harem of abducted Caucasian women provided. Two-month probation period to demonstrate you can make His Highness laugh—or else. Apply to His Fragrant Worshipfulness, P.O. Box 1, Brunei Darussalam
Note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
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