Being a Vice President is a difficult job, in some respects even harder than being the president. While the president is on a photo opp eating Thanksgiving dinner with troops in Texas (or for all intensive purposes, "Iraq"), you're at Kanye West's mom's funeral or writing Nancy Pelosi a generic "Season's Greetings" card.
The president is your mouthpiece but you're in the background pulling the strings. Here at VicePresidents.com, we wondered what kind of training could prepare new Vice Presidents for what lies ahead. In this multi-part (fictional) series, Sergeant Dick Cheney teaches his recruits the value of a clean floor, the various handshakes a VP must know, how to cover up a hunting accident, and all the little intricacies of the Vice Presidency. Follow John McCain, the over-achiever... or John Edwards, who desperately misses his wife... or Rudy Giuliani, the sarcastic prankster.
Keep checking back for updates to see how the candidates are faring under Cheney's intense scrutiny.
Volume 1: The putrid smell of stale cigars, coffee and unfettered disdain for Democrats emitted in a thick cloud from his lower esophagus, a balmy splash of spittle raining down on Hillary’s face. Sergeant Cheney’s massive frame loomed over her and she could see the earthworm-shaped vein pulsating in his neck, beneath paper thin skin. She tried not to look at the jagged enamel tombstones protruding from his lower lip as he issued the verbal abuse.... Read the full story here!
Volume 2: Having lost all track of time, John Edwards was sitting in his bunker, admiring his youthful hair and writing to his wife. Granted he had only been in Washington for one day, but he missed her so much he cried in the shower… all three minutes of it. Al Gore was right: conservation wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be! If people like Ann Heche wanted to take military showers and give up a second or third home to “do their part,” they can go right ahead, but that lifestyle was certainly not for statesmen, senators and young lawyers...
Read the full story here!
Volume 3: Hillary knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but she didn’t anticipate scrubbing the Number One Observatory Circle floors… with a toothbrush, choking on the smell of lemon. Bill said it would be a good idea. He said in his sickeningly jovial manner, “Think of it as a crash course in bridging the partisan gap, Hill!” He said that obtaining Cheney VP Boot Camp certification would only help her as president in 2008, instantly entitling her to much-needed Republican respect. What he didn’t say is that Cheney’s certification included house cleaning... Read the full story here!
Volume 4: A loud voice pierced the silence, sounding much like nails on a chalkboard playing through a loudspeaker system, punctuated by animalistic growls. “You know something? We're not just gonna go to to New Hampshire, maggots! We're gonna go to New York! We're gonna to Vermont! We're gonna go to Oregon! We're gonna go to Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania! We're going to Cancun for spring break! We're gonna go to Montreal! We're going to Vancouver! I'm going all over the world and then I'm coming all the way to Washington D.C. to take back the White House!” Read the full story here!
Volume 5: "I suppose the hardest thing with regards to scheduling is balancing your beer drinking parties with the local Confederate secession group and all those pesky cabinet meetings. We vice presidents didn’t always have to deal with cabinet meetings. You all can thank FDR for that...”
Volume 6: “I once charged $4,200 for a handshake and a photo,” Cheney stated, leaning over the college classroom podium, narrowing his eyes at the candidates seated before him. There were two new faces in the audience: Ron Paul and Joe Biden. They were fresh recruits as of today and they were quiet and aloof note takers, as was to be expected. They sat on either side of McCain, taking frequent peeks at all of McCain’s notes.
Volume 7: “Let’s talk straight here,” McCain was saying, his dark eyes twinkling manically. “The Iranians have nuclear weapons and they’re giving them to terrorist organizations who want to hurt us. Do not yield. Do not flinch. We got to stand up and fight like true American patriots. We’ll never surrender. They will.”
The alarm bells still echoed in the distance as Cheney frowned and fumbled through papers. “It’s not that simple, John,” he said under his breath. “You’ll learn that the vice president must abide by certain rules… or at least have a forged copy of the president’s stamp and signature handy at all times. Now where the hell did I put that?”
Volume 8: "Has anyone seen John?" Hillary wondered while greedily guzzling a Diet Coke in the lunch room.
Obama was meticulously slathering mayo on his turkey sandwich. "Edwards or McCain?"
"And my water… where is my bottle of Evian?" Hillary continued. "Now I’m forced to go back to Diet Coke again and you know these aren’t good in the long run. They make me so bloated and I have enough trouble getting to sleep at night as it is." She knocked a bag of Sun Chips off the table amid her frantic searching. With a frown and sweeping brush of the hand (to remove crumbs from her Diane Von Furstenberg blouse), she finally turned and said, "Well – I don’t know, Barack, where are either of them?"
Volume 9: Coming soon!
