ANDERSON COOPER: Good evening. Welcome to this special edition of 360. Tonight, breaking news, presumptive nominee John McCain names Dwight Schrute as his running mate. Barely four months until convention – this shocking admission has some voters confused, other voters overjoyed. In fact, let’s take a look at the polls. Looks like 90% of the Democrats would vote for a McCain-Schrute ticket over an Obama-Clinton ticket. I have Dwight here with us tonight for a shocking look at his ascension into politics.
COOPER: It’s interesting, Dwight, because as I understand it, you were just working at a paper supply company office in Scranton, Pennsylvania when you received the call from John McCain.
SCHRUTE: Anderson, Anderson, Anderson, Anderson. I am going to be your new boss. It is my greatest dream come true to be the vice president of the United States of America.
COOPER: Well, actually, I have here that you’re slated for the vice president to the vice president. I mean, it seems like we're going very far down the road of speculation. Obviously, there’s a lot we don’t know at this point.
SCHRUTE: Question. Will John become a loser, slacker like Hillary -- or will he join the Dwight Army of Champions? Answer. We all have a hero in our heart. Together we will prevail!
COOPER: Ok. What did you say when you received the phone call from Senator McCain, inviting you to Washington?
SCHRUTE: First, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire? Second, It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me, although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one...and that's out under the porch.
COOPER: So you’re saying you will be operating from your farm house in Pennsylvania… and not the White House…
SCHRUTE: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.
COOPER: Let's move on from this. We're a little bit too in the weeds on this one.
Do you think -- I mean, clearly, there will be a significant focus on you as the campaign rolls – Do you think you will bring something to the table for Senator McCain… I mean, aside from your Dunder Mifflin experience?
SCHRUTE: I have been John’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like...Mozart's friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like...Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
COOPER: So you’re saying you have military, secret service or police experience of some sort?
SCHRUTE: I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
COOPER: You're being very diplomatic.
SCHRUTE: The Japanese camp guards of World War Two always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
COOPER: Fascinating. True or false – I read at NBC News that you once saved someone’s life with a can of pepper spray.
SCHRUTE: I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office. I have a can of pepper spray velcro’d underneath my desk. People say, ‘Oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.’ Well I say, ‘It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.’
COOPER: Moving along, let’s talk about some of your policies because, obviously, you’re going to be up against the Democratic VP nominee in the September debate. The Obama-Clinton camps have been talking about universal health care plans. They're sort of looking through it through a very narrow lens, through... the lens of ideology?
SCHRUTE: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
COOPER: Let’s talk foreign policy for a moment, shall we? I mean, Dwight, you have the recent CNN poll. What does it say? Fifty-five percent of Americans think things are going badly for the U.S. in Iraq.
SCHRUTE: BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation - which everyone finds during the day - how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war – the war of work – but from the moment as a child, when we realize the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle [bangs fists again] a never-ending fight, I say to you -- and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight. WE ARE WARRIORS!
COOPER: Oh-Okay… that’s Benito Mussolini… not exactly a celebrated American Icon.
SCHRUTE: False. That was my acceptance speech for the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year award.
COOPER: Blah, blah, blah, incoherent nonsense, but... I read in the Washington Post that said you’re likely to draw a lot of crossover votes, but how much support do you actually have among fellow Republicans?
SCHRUTE: Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints?
COOPER: I don’t think I follow… What does –
SCHRUTE: Wrong. Don’t believe everything that people in newspapers tell you.
COOPER: So you’re saying… you don’t think you’ll get the crossover votes? But will you have the Republican allies in Congress to get things done?
SCHRUTE: I’m a Sith Lord! I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.
COOPER: Yes, I have heard that. But surely you must be friends with Senator McCain?
SCHRUTE: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of John’s book is… ‘Something Weird Is Going On...colon...Why are there women and minorities in the White House race, when an old white guy always wins? The John McCain Story...by John McCain. With Dwight Schrute.’
COOPER: Sounds like a fascinating book. Unfortunately, we’ve only got time for one more question here. The running mates we see now, is this basically the template for the running mates of the future? Where does the trend go? More and more...
SCHRUTE: My old boss Michael always said, ‘K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid.’ Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.
COOPER: And clearly… you are the simple choice… Up next, we'll check in with Candy Crowley and Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room... and some breaking news from Politico...
Editor's Note: While this story is based on an actual McCain joke made on Jon Stewart's Daily Show, this is NOT an actual transcript... (Obviously)...
